words / MAX NEASE

DJ Khaled. Rapper. Radio personality. Producer. Entrepreneur. Failed meatball stuffed crust experiment by Pizza Hut?

That’s right, you heard it here first, DJ Khaled, is part meatball.

Let me give you some context, the year is 1995, American’s are hungry, and Pizza Hut is trying to create a new product that can be released to the masses. After a patent for a “cheese stuffed” pizza crust was discovered in the name of Anthony Mongiello, a Brooklyn native, Pizza Hut began scheming. Why not steal the principle idea of the stuffed crust, but replace the cheese with something more hearty? Why not stuff a meatball into the crust?

But how does this have anything to do with DJ Khaled?

I’ll tell you.

After weeks of attempts, Pizza Hut just could not get it right. Too much meatball, not enough crust. Too much crust, not enough meatball. These were their core problems.

Finally, a food scientist, Biff Beeferoni (whose name has been changed for safety purposes) had a breakthrough. On the brink of perfecting the recipe, the pressure was mounting. Pizza Hut executives were breathing down his neck, tightening the leash hour by hour. After being forced to spend five days straight in a top-secret laboratory with no sleep, with only pictures of his daughter as motivation, he snapped.

“I don’t know what came over me, it was a mixture of anger and sheer repulse, I will never be able to look at a meatball again after what I did that day,” Beeferoni explained.

He created a barricade in front of the lone exit of the lab, and what happened next he had to tell me through stifled tears.

“I lost control, I started stuffing anything I could get my hands on into crusts. I started small, pushing a pen cap into the squishy dough, but before long I had all of my lab equipment encased in the stuff,” he stated, continuing, “After a few hours, almost everything in the room had been stuffed, everything except a knife, my house key, and the door itself.”

During all the chaos, Pizza Hut security was attempting to break through the hastily made defenses, armed with stun guns.

Beeferoni knew his time was short, so he devised one last stuffed crust, one of his own invention and bodily participation. He grabbed a knife, and with one chop, removed his right thumb. Exhausted and filled with adrenaline, he claims that he didn’t even feel it. He mushed the flesh, a meatball, and some dough together, just as the door flew open and his barricade crumbled.

With his left hand, he gripped the blade, while his mutilated right hand plunged into his pocket and removed his house key, baring both as weapons.

Security rushed in, immediately shooting at Beeferoni.

“After the first couple of stuns hit me, I lost consciousness. The last thing I remember was my limp bloodied hand dropping into the fleshy mess that was my final experiment, still clinging to the electrified key,” Beeferoni explained.

When he awoke, he was handcuffed to a hospital bed. He had no idea how long he had been out, as the days in the lab had melded together to feel like one big nightmare. In front of him stood a doctor, a man in a suit, and a leather clad figure wearing sunglasses with a thick gold chain.

After an extended silence, the man in the suit walked up to the bedside, leaned over Beeferoni’s weak body, and whispered, “You have created life.”

From what Beeferoni understands, the mix of unrefrigerated dough, expired meatball, human matter and electrified metal combined to create a pulsating mass, growing for 3 days. After reaching a height of about five and a half feet, and weight of close to 250lbs, the dough split open, and out emerged DJ Khaled.

Boasting the appearance of a 41-year-old man, Khaled was already fluent in English, although he chose to speak in strange quips and phrases regarding keys.

Beeferoni thinks this may be a side effect of his creation, stating, “What truly birthed him was the electric current from the key, so to him, the key is god, and I think in a way he is trying to acknowledge this.”

Pizza Hut quickly covered up the story, creating an identity for Khaled, falsifying his existence before 1995. He was promised fame and fortune if he played along, and so he did. It has been 22 years and Beeferoni is positive that Khaled has not aged a day.

Beeferoni claims that he has not seen Khaled since he awoke in the hospital, knowing that Pizza Hut is keeping tabs on all his movements.

“I just want the world to know the truth about him, he is not what Pizza Hut says he is, he is my son, and I just want to hold him.”



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